The division of the human family into its two distinct branches
occurred some 10,000 years ago, a few hundred years after the
flood... Humans coexisted as members of small bands of nomadic
In the pivotal event of societal evolution, beer was invented. This
epochal innovation was both the foundation of modern civilization and
the occasion of the great bifurcation of humanity into its two
distinct subgroups: Liberals and Conservatives.
Once beer was discovered, it required grain, and that was the
beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle or aluminum can
had yet been invented, so it was necessary to stick pretty close to
the brewery. That's how villages were formed.
Some men spent their days killing animals to barbecue at night while
they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of the conservative
Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting, learned how to
live off conservatives by showing up for the BBQs every night and
doing women's work like sewing, fetching and hair dressing. This
was the beginning of the liberal movement. Later, some of the
liberals actually became women.
Liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, invention of
group therapy and democratic voting to see how to divide the beer and
meat that the conservatives provided. Women were not interested in
democracy at that time because most of them were still women back
then, and the conservatives fed them.
Conservatives are symbolized by the largest, most powerful land
animal on earth. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.
Modern Liberals like imported beer (they add lime), but most prefer
white wine or foreign water in a bottle. They eat raw fish but
like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and french food are on
liberal menus. Their women have more testosterone than the men.
Liberals like deviant sex and want others to like it too. Their
first successful city governments were Sodom and Gomorrah.
Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, and group
therapists are Liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter
rule in baseball because it wasn't "fair" to make the pitcher also
Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat, and still
provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo
cowboys, lumber-jacks, construction workers, medical doctors, police
officers, corporate executives, soldiers, athletes, and generally
anyone who works productively outside government. Conservatives
who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a
Liberals do not produce anything. They like to "govern" the
producers and decide what is to be done with the production.
Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans.
That is why most of the liberals just stayed in Europe when
conservatives were coming to America.
Conservatives have principles, believe in a Creator, and the rule of
law. They practice charity and give to the poor, normally through
their churches. When in doubt on an issue, they check both the
Bible and the Constitution, which they use as a constant reference in
a changing world. They believe in the concept of truth.
Liberals do not have principles, except for their dedication to
stealing production of conservatives and undermining principled
references such as the Bible and Constitution. They are never in
doubt on an issue because they always do whatever is best for them
without regard to others. They have no standard of reference.
Liberals do not give to charity. They cultivate the poor like a
cat cultivates a field of mice. They use the poor as voters and
give them a portion of stolen tax money which they vote away from
conservatives. Satan is a liberal (as the "father of all lies" he invented liberalism)
And someday soon he will call his flock home.
Conservatives believe in self defense, both at home and abroad.
They own guns and use them to discourage liberals and other common
criminals. They provide guns to the armed forces to discourage
foreign liberals and other foreign criminals.
Liberals do not believe in conservative self defense. They disarm
conservatives, and then attack them with impunity by liberal armies
with guns. King George, Hitler and Stalin were all liberals who
abandoned the rule of Law, had no principles except their own self
indulgence, and attempted to tax and govern conservatives.
Liberals believe in BIG government. They think the United Nations is the ultimate answer.
Conservatives believe in the rule of law and when sitting on juries,
convict common criminals and acquit fellow conservatives who have
been charged by liberals. When serving in the armed forces, they
shoot liberals from other countries who want to govern our country.
Conservatives know the difference between a common-sense law and a
bone-headed statute passed by some liberal from Massachusetts.
When sitting on juries, they do not enforce bone-headed statutes, and
don't explain their reasons.
Liberals only believe in whatever laws are appealing to them, such as
the privilege of making a living by taxing conservatives. When sitting
on juries, liberals convict producers and acquit liberals and other
common criminals. Modern Judges are all liberals as they do not
produce anything except chaos, and are paid with confiscated tax
money. They consider it against the law to reference any source of
law such as the Bible or Constitution. Like other liberals, they
just make it up as they go and do what is best for them. Judge Roy
Bean is their model.
The American cowboy, of course, is your basic, full-bore
Conservative. A hundred years ago, an Englishman visiting Texas was
attempting to find the owner of a huge cattle ranch. He rode up to
one of the ranch hands, and inquired, "Pardon me, but could you
perhaps tell me where I might locate your master?" To which the
cowboy replied, "That sumbitch ain't been born yet".
So, what'll it be? Wine or Beer? Domestic or Imported?
(Author not mentioned)